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It Rained

April 12, 2010
tags: , , ,
Day 184 / february rain, originally uploaded by andrea.pun.
It rained.
For a short while but it rained nonetheless, which is more important I guess. And that makes a whole lot of difference for the way I think.
I’m sitting in a corner at work… literally a corner. I could not talk to anyone now if I chose not to. Which is sort of interesting. And sort of depressing, if I choose to think about it that way.
I figured I was stressing out too much… and even thinking about it makes me feel a little stressed out. So I try not to think about it.
I started to unwind the red tape… let’s see how far I get before I get frustrated and either throw it all way or take one big scissors or a match to it all.
Me and a few friends had a conversation about money today.
When I was 21, I was idealistic. I was all about doing what I love regardless of how much money it would earn me. My plan was simple – I would work my way up to a big organization – something like BBC – and then I would be good enough that I could quit the regular job in a few years (around 5) and pick what I wanted to do. But then life interfered and I sort of skipped a couple of years on that.
Now, I’m halfway into my timeline and no where close to what I thought I would be doing. So I figured that I want more money.
Of course, if I got to do what exactly I want to do – whatever that may be – i might be willing to compromise. Otherwise, as a friend put it – you’ve already sold your soul. Might as well sell it for more.
Which was a bit of a jolt to my idealistic self… it is a lot more romantic to be thinking you’d do things for the love of it but the harsh reality is, in a place like this, you need money. Well, not if you were willing to live a particular way but I’m not.
I perhaps will not forgo my latte at Barista or a drink at some pub. I perhaps will never take to travelling by bus, no matter how much I want to save money. Ironically, this is the exact conversation I had with a friend a few months ago – about how I would be willing to make sacrifices if I wanted to do exactly what I want.
But the truth is this job has ruined me for the life of a struggling artist. I want to be a photographer, a writer, a traveler and a dreamer. And sheer laziness and fear is stopping me from most of it. I have lived two years of my life in this cocoon, despite the frustration.
I wonder if I will live this way for the rest of my life and wither away or if I will ever find the courage to go out there and live what I want to.
About the Photo: this isn’t one of mine. It is something I came across on Flickr and completely fell in love with. It rained today, after all. And this shows her just enjoying the rain. Sheer bliss… sinking into sheer bliss with a sigh of relief perhaps.
Edit: Totally unrelated, I realised if you search “Intersecting Lines” in the blog page on Google, my blog is the first one that pulls up. Kinda cool, eh?
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